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[16 Jun 2007|10:27pm] |
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16/6/07 9.30pm. Just had a conversation with my step dad. One of those conversations that make me love him. He was ‘concerned’ about something my father had said. It’s something that I have known for sometime – that he, well, it’s not quite that he disapproves of what I’m doing, more that he thinks I can do better in life. He had said today, that what I was doing was a waste of time (not in my hearing of course), which upset my step-dad. He tried to find out whether Dad had said anything to me, and if so, he wanted to, I don’t know, reassure me or something I guess. Of course, you can’t ask me “has your Dad said anything about what you’re doing?” without getting a look from me which says ‘you can’t ask something like that and expect me to be satisfied with a “oh, never mind”’ when I answer in the negative. All it took was one look, and he ‘fessed up what was on his mind, what had prompted the question. He basically just wanted to let me know that they’re proud of me (something that I also know Dad feels too, he’s just more complicated – torn between opposing value systems I guess), and that I should never compromise what makes me happy in order to pursue society’s expectations or money for the sake of money. Just wanted to make a note of it. Kinda interesting seeing that I was thinking of this not too recently – more interesting to realise how many different value systems and mentalities lie behind my upbringing. Where does that leave me?
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[16 Jun 2007|10:25pm] |
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-15/6//16/6 thoughts and feelings on ash – undervaluing ourselves, a conversation with Veronica – don’t think we deserve to be happy/ ash and abstinence, ash and love. will he ever admit anything? or will he go off blindly pursuing the excuse? Somehow I don’t think the latter too likely, he’s too open to be willingly blind, but he does have some bizarre value systems. He Is a paradox – why insist on sleepign around with many women (with a high and mighty justification I might add – want to make lots of people happy or I don’t believe in the label of girlfriend boyfriend), and then turns around and scorns the single mum like some sort of plague or lower, not respected or respectable, being. Take that for being hypcritical, chauvenistic and self righteous. Kinda pisses me off. Oh, and self serving. and yet, he’s so much more than that. It’s like these random prejudiced perceptions or comments are things he hasn’t thought too much on (hasn’t had to) and has just accepted from his parents. Don’t know much about the family – the mum seems awesome, open and funny and down to earth. Yet Ron says they have weird beliefs, the boys were also home-schooled (for religious reasons rather than social she led me to believe) When ash was depressed and borderline suicidal, his mum told him it was because he had the devil on his back, and he believed her – believed that his depression was his fault (well, according to ron). I just can’t seem to reconcile the two pictures – the one of these people I see, and the one of behind the scenes which I hear from ron. I don’t believe either is completely true, or that either is completely false – there are too many points where they mesh. However, there just aren’t enough points where I go, ‘ah huh! that explains it’ for me to accept either. I’m just going to have to wait until I have a better picture before I come to my own conclusions. Right now it’s like trying to put together a puzzle when I only have five pieces and know there are more out there, I just need to combine patience (waiting for certain pieces to be dropped into my lap by those who are holding onto them so tightly) and determinedness (set out to hunt down the missing pieces, rather than sitting and allowing others to put the puzzle together for me) etc etc giving pleasure does not make a woman happy, though one does help the other. Feeling of worth, of purpose, of being loved, and worth undivided attention. ashton, helen, why do you fear to love? why do you fear to hide? why do you fear to seek? if you fear to seek you’ll never find. You’ll end up hollow and lost and alone. Yes, and with lots of money. But will it make you happy?
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| 12/8/07 -Tuesday |
[16 Jun 2007|09:43pm] |
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What’s really important in life? It’s such a silly question it seems, well, not silly, but definitely cliched. The sort of question that seemed so deep to the young fourteen year old you once were, and is now barely considered of any validity. Well, that’s not exactly true. But it is cliched. I don’t believe that focusing on money in life is the path to happiness. Yes, I’m aware this can seem ludicrus to many – after all, having money can allow you to travel, live a life without the stress of poverty, start a business, fund your dreams. I don’t deny that being able to provide, for yourself and anyone else in your life, is not important. To me, money is not essential to happiness, but it certainly makes things easier. I was thinking on all of this as I was driving back from a friend’s house last night. Amidst other things, we got to having a slightly flippant (but underlyingly less so) debate about this. I left feeling particularly frustrated, not so much by what we were saying (after all, both sides of the question are hardly new – whether in the great scheme of things or to me personally), but by the fact that neither of us could understand or appreciate the other’s perspective. We just couldn’t get each other. He, obviously, takes the majority of the above arguments, and then some. Yet for me, it just seems empty. Sure money means you can travel, or enjoy a life of leisure and pleasure, but is it being able to do that that makes you happy? (watch out, I just used the grammatially irritating ‘that that’). I find myself searching for that intangible quality to things – the little nugget within your soul that allows your breath to be stolen by something beautiful, that at times seems to explode with joy, or lets you savour the challenge and excitement of new things. I want to look upon someone and feel something profound move within me, or even the seemingly simple pleasure of trusting someone enough to be able to relax completely around them and feel wanted, loved. I want a life filled wth music, from dark to jouyous and all things in between, and laughter, and love. I take pleasure in thought, and things that are beautiful for no reason at all. I want to be inflamed by passion in all things I do. I want to be proud of what I’ve achieved, in terms of ………. Rather than measuring success by how many things I have, or the standard checklist of society (the indulgent pleasure and luxury), or my yearly income. Yes, money would make all this much much easier, but I’d rather be able to be happy independent of whether I have money or not. It seems a much wiser banking investment – a shift in perspective and determination that can allow this to be, rather than banking on earning a high enough income to one day be able to do all this. After all, you can spend all that time head down bum up, focused upon earning, and miss all the beauty that surrounds you along the way. I love to smell the roses, it’s the simple things that get you through life and keep the wrinkles away. Yes, I know I’m an idealist, but I’m fully aware of this and happy in that.
Uggh right now there’s a couple making out noisily on the train less than 50cm from me.
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| 12/8/07 |
[16 Jun 2007|09:42pm] |
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Found out that my sister has a bone deformity today, wih possibly also a tumor surrounding it, really not cool. That’s an understatement, I know, but she had her heart set on being a ballet teacher – now she can’t, as she can no longer go en point, meaning she can’t complete her final exams. She’s a very talented dancer, but has the wrong shape to be a ballerina, so she turned her eyes to teaching and now that’s been stolen from underneath her. I just don’t know how I feel. This year’s been so bizarre – A year of extremes. I seem to be bouncing from one thing to the next, never really knowing what hit me each time. I’ve had so much awesome stuff happen, so much that I should be proud of, and so many moments where I looked upon someone and felt such a depth of feeling for all they had done in their lives (and at times, in mine). Yet I’ve also been tossed upon waves of grief, desolation, depression, and the worst – a feeling of hollow emptyness that scares me more than any emotion. This year more than any has made me appreciate how lucky I’ve been. Even just in the fact that until this year I could count the number of funerals I had been to on one hand. So many people have gone this year, lost to cancer and accidents mostly. Yet conversely, I’ve also had eye-opening reveleations regarding past experiences that have had a severely (some les so) negative affect upon my life – especially in regards to how I deal with people socially, romantically, and sexually. I go from feeling incredibly lost and alone, to being confident and empowered, all at such a rapid pace I begin to wonder if I’ll keep up, or just be lost along the way. Stuck in the emotions, mentality and goings on of 2007 for the rest of my life. It’s funny, I rarely come here when I’m feeling strong, or happy. It’s like my journal has become my confessional – the little corner of the world where I secretly pull my wealnesses out from my pocket in order to air and examine them, and hopefully make them whole once more. All these weaknesses and thoughts tha I can’t bring myself to talk to others about. Actually it’s also funny that I think of this as my secret corner of the world – especially when I hardly bother to set my entries to private anymore. I guess it’s the anonymity of being one in a crowd of millions. You can quite publically reveal the deadliest secrets, yet who’s to notice really? Well, I know that’s not true really, if someone wanted to hunt you down they could easilly put the pieces together from within a journal like mine. Recognise who I am, then all the information which was once lacking in specificity becomes frighteningly specific. Sigh. I don’t think I’ll ever shake this paranoia hey? It’s not like I let it govern my actions, after all, I’m still posting. But I do think this way now sadly, I really can’t help it anymore. Besides, who could really be bothered to read the long and winding entries in my journal?
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[02 May 2007|09:47pm] |
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Whatever will come of this day? Lost and complete she wanders – a paradox beyond classification. She prays for one thing, yet rejects it when it is offered. Her destiny, if any, to ignore the doom upon her. She cannot lie, but let it hurt her. You cannot prevent then truth, only watch it pass. What may be will come, never fear for that. But trust your instincts, not your heart, for it will only lead you astray. See. What’s in an oracle?
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| The Bauble |
[02 May 2007|09:47pm] |
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Above me a bauble hangs – suspended, yet in constant motion. I always know where to find it, and yet it is never still. It is beautiful, seeming to offer so much hope and promise. Each time I look at the bauble, smiling, it makes me feel special, warm. It looks at me with shining eyes, attentive and unwavering. They seem to promise such a depth of feeling, like you’re the only thing in the world that is so special as to catch that gaze, and now the bauble exists solely for you. It seems to be made of quality material. Simple in design and makeup, it’s the very simplicity that is so attractive – you feel you can trust what you see, what’s on offer needs no flashy disguise. Dark green and earthy brown it is, with hints of dusky grey. Intricate carvings and designs scrawl across it. Yet they are barely seen but for the light that holds it suspended, like the finer lines that appear on your palm under the sun’s revealing gaze. The bauble is comfort and pleasure, support and love, all of these things. I stand there smiling up at it, knowing it is not mine alone, not yet, but happy to share so wondrous a thing nevertheless. Being in the presence of that bauble is pure happiness, basking in sensation and associations. Until a friend holds up a mirror, reflecting the bauble yes, but within that reflection there is myself, standing below, with my hopes and expectations shining upon the bauble –the light that colours it’s surface. The bauble is still beautiful, yet the depths I thought I perceived are no longer there. While you stand there beneath it, sharing in its beauty and pleasure, you are all it loves, all it sees. Yet once you are gone, it forgets you, you are no longer special, you cannot compare to the joys it finds in its own simple existence. It is never still long enough to love, to feel, to look beyond to the depth of a being. To it, we are all the same, pretty faces and shining lives. It partakes of our essence and company with no malicious intent, yet it cannot offer all it seems to promise. For what it seems to promise is only a reflection of what we seek to find. It is empty. While it may never betray you, it cannot provide companionship, it cannot feel love, it cannot hold you through the darkness of night. It is, after all, only a bauble.
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[02 May 2007|09:45pm] |
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Over thinking overanalysing – separate the body from the mind. Withering my intuition – leaving opportunities behind. Feed my will to feel this moment, reaching out to embrace the random, reaching out to embrace whatever may come. Desire to feel the random, to feel all connected… To feel all inspired, to witness the beauty, to swing on the spiral. Reaching for whatever will bewilder me. To be wrapped in the music, to feel it envelope your body and carry it away. Enlightening and fulfilling, showing the direction, playing with your emotions, yet sustaining the soul. With my feet upon the ground I lose myself between the sounds and open wide to suck it in I feel it move across my skin………….. We may just go where no one’s been, we ride the spiral to the end. How can words resonate so? To read them they are just that –words. Beautiful perhaps, but words nevertheless. When possessed by the music, the words writhe out, become more than syllables, becoming living beings. Music can transform the mind temporarily. Opening up new vistas, clichés fall away. The trappings of society and expectation, always persistently there, fall away in one effortless moment. Briefly, you are free. Until the music ends, when you fall back to earth and realise that to have known that freedom, only to loose it, is to render yourself more chained than before you found the sound that lets you soar. We become so lost – faded shadows that continue on, not realising that they have died long ago. Momentarily colours may flicker across those shaded forms, reflected light from some true substance or being. But rarely does the breath of that light penetrate beyond the surface. Yet there exist Moments, experiences that can transform you. Usually they are devoid of all expectation, they catch you by surprise, and are often the simplest, most ordinary things. The difference seems to be purely that they have caught you unawares: your mind at that Moment, for one reason or the other, is lacking its constraints. The thoughts and anxieties that beguile and bewilder dissipate in the light of the afternoon sun, in the twirling of a leaf caught by a cobweb, in the spontaneity of a raindrop, in the smile shared by two passing strangers. Suddenly you realise that life is beautiful. It is not so hard to believe that all things partake of the divine. It is at times like these that our colours are renewed; our faded forms are given flesh again. Like the tree stump that sprouts new leaves, life can be regained. Yet it can be so hard to keep one’s self open to such Moments and possibilities. It takes a prodigious ability to set aside the mind, and the worries, and all thoughts of the future. To suspend time is an incredible feat that some can do naturally. The carefree shop assistants whose very peace and tranquillity can fuel the frustration of those of us trapped by thoughts, fear, hope and expectation. These things are not necessarily bad, or evil, in themselves, it is only when we cannot set them aside, even for a Moment, and simply experience the present, that we become lost, and those great things become weights draped about our necks.
I embrace my... desire to feel the rythymn, to feel all connected… enough to step aside, weep like a widow... To feel all inspired, to witness the beauty, to swing on the spiral.
Abstract, angsty modernism is all I can touch right now. I’m reaching for the words and finding nothing but tedious concepts. I’m tired, and needing to be revived. I’m stressing so much about inconsequentialities that my hair is turning grey and I’m now making up words. Damn, I’m turning into a pessimist,, gagh I hate this aspect of myself. I also hate that I hate that, for there is little to recommend a dissatisfied whinger to other people. I want to be happy and vivacious again. The free spirit gypsy dancer who lives life and nature, and once swore never to sacrifice happiness for money or material things. Why can’t I recapture the beauty of my youth? My body is young, my spirit weary, it seems a travesty and a waste to be so ungrateful about the life I have been given. My faith has taken me so far, only now I find that ultimately, I lack faith in myself. If I cannot have faith in myself, how can I expect God, or any other, to forgive and love that being? Why does human logic fail me? I’m smart and talented, a member of a loving family, I’ve been given all these gifts and yet I still feel lacking. How can I want more? How can I always be seeking to escape this reality? Even in my most idealistic youth, deep down I sought to escape. I lost myself in dreams and imaginings. Head down, eyes glazed, I am unproductive in this world of productivity. Maybe that is why I feel lost – I don’t fit it. There is no place for me, a dreamer and romantic, a seeker of understandings and profound insights, an escapist at heart. In this world, everyone has a place, everyone wants a job, a house, a family. We are told that fulfilling all these criteria, buying the nice clothes, finding the nice man, all of this, that it leads to happiness, Yet there is a hollowness to this life. An enslavement to expectation, popular culture and consumerism. Those who defy the norm end up frustrated, dissatisfied and cynical. I pump out worthless twaddle lacking in originality, yet truly, in my mind and in my dreams are beautiful things – a perspective I’m incapable of communicating. A creativity stunted by years of trying to conform, trying to analyse, trying to talk about my feelings. When has that ever got anyone anywhere? It is only because we expect this to be a good thing, an expectation somehow implanted by the values embedded in our society, that we feel it has done us any good. To be honest “talking about it” does not seem to have done me any good. Beyond releasing the pressure of keeping thoughts and feelings to one’s self, it does not provide answers, or resolution. They are the main things obviously lacking in life. The answers we are not to find until we have thrown away the physicality of this existence for the peace of another – if we can. Peace. It is like we were designed so as never to be able to find this if left to our own devices. Happiness… I dare not even ask, for I know not what it is in order to begin to seek it.
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[01 May 2007|09:53pm] |
Well, I think I'm starting to make a habit out of randomly remembering my journal. Sad thing is, so much has happened, so much has changed, I'll never catch up.
Not that I've ever really believed in keeping a daily log book - I hate chronicle-style history! Bring on interpretation and capturing the moment etc etc.
Well, seeing as I've gotta be up for work soon, I guess I'll have to make this another random filler. Upside is, I've finished uni!!! So more free time for me (well, less actually, but still - my free time isn't study time anymore).
Main thing is, I'e finished uni. Leaving Coles was the best thing ever, my marks were awesome. So much so, that I recently won a scholarship to go to Cyprus to work on an archaeological site with a small team from Uni. I'm so excited about that!
At the moment though, just working back in retail (bookstore now though, yay!), the museum, and teaching taekwondo. I'm also training for my 3rd Dan in June, which requires a lot of discipline and constant training, which I'm getting better at. (up at 5.30 to train before I leave on the 7.20 train for work, get back at 6.30 pm and train some more in class, then teach the last class -busy busy me).
I've also started painting again, reading, writing some tidbits myself, getting back into the live music scene and catching up with mates, my sister got married (so random!!), Luke and I broke up 6 months ago (right in the middle of exams too, bastard! :) Nah, I forgave him, we're still good mates), other than all that, I can't really think of anything much else to say.
There's more I'm sure, I just need to be more awake :)
Anyway, thought I'd make a public entry to let everyone know I'm still alive. Go me!
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| Everything |
[20 Mar 2006|09:08am] |
Wow, I forgot about my livejournal!
Do I feel sheeeepish??
Anyways, sadly just a brief update on my life, just cos I feel obliged:
Still training hard and loving instructing. Its fantastic! I love Taekwondo (though I had a slightly disturbing dream last night which involved training at korea which somehow turned into this crazy battlefield with me breaking people's necks 'o.o' Psychotic? Yeah I think so)
Last year of uni, I've got someawesome subjects lined up. Only thing is, they've raised the quota of subjects we need to take a semester. which was kinda cool cos it meant I could do a few subjects I wasn't able to do before, but it also means a bigger assessment load as none of the lecturers appear to want to relinquish even a fraction of the old assessment load which was designed for students doing less subjects.
In other words, I have no life this semester.
On the upside I'm leaving coles!!!!!!!! Yippeee! Though I have also picked up a job at the Nicholson museum, but that's only random shifts. It's also much more fun and healthy. I've been standing at registers for shifts anywhere between 4 and 10 hours for the past 6 years. Which sucks as now the backs of my legs are an ugly mess of veins and I'm only 21.
I've been to a few gigs, spent a lot of time with Luke (he's so much fun!) and done lots of fun things. But i'm sick at the moment and I really don't think I can sit here much longer.
Oh, and I've been getting these vulgar and obusive text messages from an unknown number and I don't know why. They're really agressive and there's no one I can think of who would write like that. Not even Aidan.
Well, it can remain a mystery because I don't care to track them down. If it gets any worse I'll take it to the cops, but it's probably some sad little 15yr old doing it for shits and giggles so meh.
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[09 Oct 2005|10:27pm] |
Oh, and before I go
I had a dream last night, was awfully odd, and I'm not going to go into details (briefly, just some small details: ainsley; unusual Mass, seated like at tables, half the group have backs to the front, Some weird ceremony involvingsmall chunks of a crusty bread, I was so lost, eventually we all turned round to the front and things went on as normal; Mum and ???- an Aunt? and some weird coin game...; some weird new church that was all snazzy and sci fi and money money money; the colour purple featured a lot, purple and white, with the edges of the hall a dark grey) but it invloved my grandparents.
It was odd, it was like my Nana was still alive. I was genuinely confused, though I think at some level, behind all I was seeing was an image of her grassy grave... somewhere. Its such a nice, neat little grave, very green
But yeah, the whole family was gathering, and I was sad. I thought we were gathering for a wake, or some sort of annual memorial. I was confused, I could see nana standing there amongst us, and I was thinking this was all for Pop, like he was going to die soon or something, but he was there too. The minute I opened my mouth to say something along those lines about Pop's wake, I realised I was wrong, everyone started to chuckle like I'd made some joke. I almost cried, cos I remembered then that Nana wasn't with us anymore, and that she couldn't come to my 21st. And I got so confused, cos I didn't know why we were all gathered there, only that something sad or bad was going to happen or had happened, or maybe we were just having an annual celebration of Nana's life. I didn't know, so I get my confusion to myself. the rest of the dream consisted of me moving quietly with the family. Joining in with them, but being a bit subdued. Though I was at the same time excited to see Annie and Tina and Rhea. everyone was doing weird activities around the area. And there was this odd but beautiful garden, kinda in amongst rocks and cliffs. Always damp, but with beautiful exotic flowers.
Colours were also dark and deep, but not depressing. Just, I'm not sure, attractive maybe? Bright's the wrong word, cos they weren't bright, but if there was a red, it'd be crimson, a yellow would be gold, royal blues and forest greens, magenta and purple...
I should have written this in my dream journal, not here, but its ok, I really think I just needed to write it down.
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[09 Oct 2005|09:48pm] |
just reading back over my journal, I really do need to update it more regularly, its good to go back over significant points in my life
Lol, I've also noticed how whenever I say "I'll go into that in detail later" I never do
:)
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[04 Oct 2005|07:00pm] |
Can someone tell me how to get my background back?? :(
Korea was amazing!!! So so so so so good. The people are so friendly, the culture is so cool...
and the martial arts is awesome!!!
They are so damn good. Beautiful to watch. I want to study there.
I'll pop back later to update this in detail.
Uni started back today, which means I'll disappear for awile again...
Ciao!
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[20 Sep 2005|01:27am] |
Korea is back on!!!!!!
And its a better tour too! Tomorrow I fly out for 9 days on a fantastic and funky instructor's tour, all costs covered! I'm so excited!
Everything's been flat out at the moment. I have a random scramble of thoughts on Korea and Roman imperialism in my head, tis a rather odd mix, I just can't settle down at the moment.
Way too much uni, but I'm coming along just dandy in Ltin which is all good. Instructing's been a blast. Still seeing my Jazz pianist, mmmm yum...
Yeah
so
yet another random update
so brief
but yeah
Oh yeah! Oh yeah! I'm gonna be training with monks! Oh yeah!
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| Touching of Base |
[20 Jun 2005|12:22pm] |
Exams. Korea got cancelled. I won my last tournament. Exams exams exams. More stuff... But atm its all just exams.
Oh, and why has my background disappeared?? Oh no....
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[28 Mar 2005|12:26pm] |
Wow my life has been so funky and fun!!! brief update since Xmas:
Moved out of home
lived the high life
went on first beach holiday with parents down south
went to Byron Bay with then current guy friend (ended up being just a fun summer fling)
had an awesome time! Partied hard there for New Years and lived out of the back of a van. I was a bare foot hippy on the beach! twas novel.
Came home, worked, saved money
3rd holiday up central coast with friends. Good fun though tense. threw on wild card in there. Turned out no one liked her much except Marnie and I. Maintaining the peace has damn hard work.
Nevertheless...
Fourth and final beach holiday with Taekwondo Instructors etc. Also central coast. Fucking brilliant! Best holiday i'd had. Awesome car trip with this guy Luke and my friend ronica whose been in Africa for the past year or whatever. Just too much fun. We went diving head first down 40meter high sand dunes on bits of masonite. hell yeah!
Came home. Lots of parties (why does everyone have to turn 21 at the same time dammit!) work and blah blah blah.
back to uni
I'm doing Latin!!!!!
Went in my first tournament, got my arse kicked: 19 - 4. But I fought back hard the whole time, never gave up. She just had ten times more experience than me. Loved it! I was so bruised :D Nothing more satisfying than pain from hard work and a good fight.
Little something been brewing between Luke (tkd guy from road trip) and myself... awesome flirting and tension there... just awesome. he's so cool, plays piano and sax, studying graphic design, awesome body, nice and down to earth, great smile, fast fighter, wicked sense of humour... mmmmmmmmm
We've now been an item for 4 days :p (pathetic arn't I :D) and I'm dancing everywhere.
i am also officially broke and in debt. earning between $60 and $200 a week. $1400 credit card debt. Registration plus insurance for my car cost $250 and $500 respectively. then my car didn't pass the rego inspection, ,ostly due to rust. I'm now up for $3000 to get it back on the road. plus I was hoping to go to Korea in September, need $2000 by Aug...
I moved back in with the parentals after 6 months of independance.
Am on a very tight budget of trainticket: $25 and petrol $25 a week. Thats it. Hopefully I can have my car and card paid back by August and my Korea money saved up too. If I don't quite make it I'll just max out the card again (cos It'll be paid off by the end of April according to my zero tolerance budget) and pay it off when I get back.
I've also had another job for a while, but pissed it off cos it was hard work for poor pay. Applied for another one, don't mind if I don't get in or not, and am thinking of being an amway distributor or something.
There we go, that's kristen's life 2005 on a shoe string.
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[23 Dec 2004|08:37pm] |
Tis now xmas and I won't be around for a week or two.
Beach holiday for me!!!
So to all you guys who read this, have a very Merry Xmas and a fantastically funky new year!!
Love yas all!
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[14 Dec 2004|08:52pm] |
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feeling a bit down on my bday...
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| Birthday Blues |
[14 Dec 2004|06:28pm] |
Today started off pretty sweet. Woke up to Marnie and Cat saying happy birthday (Cat had stayed the night). Marnie gave me very funky bonds undies, a little Miss Lazy book, and some Lychees! Yum. Then Aidan rocked up, with two bunches of roses and.... A wooden practice SAMURAI SWORD! Fantastic!
However, then Aidan and I had to talk. Things are kinda a bit depressing after that, but I'll go into that in all its complexity at another time. I wanna enjoy my bday now.
So, I'm about to have dinner with my family (all 12 of us!) and am looking forward to that. So far, MArnie and I re-dercorated the xmas tree (nother long story :) ), I painted part of the balcony for John, and I watched Strictly Ballroom with my sis.
Overall things are pretty sweet, be back later :D
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[03 Dec 2004|05:59pm] |
Well. Its been quite a while since I've been here. So much has happened, so much has been wasted.
I nearly burnt out at uni this year. I'm a fool. I don't aim high until I achieve high. So, seeing as I was able to pull HDs in first semester, I underestimated both the amount of work I did to get them and the subjects I chose this semester. Needless to say, it wasn't as easy to get good marks as I thought. I almost failed one subject in fact. I don't really know if I have failed or not yet.
Oh well, its holidays now. Though I really really want to do uni part time next year.
Moved out of home, very funky and fun. My roommates are awesome, though I don't get to bed until 2am most days now. Oh, and Bombell has an Xbox and Halo 2. I've enjoyed shooting stuff.
My Nana died a while back. Its still wierd to think that she's gone. The funeral was beautiful though. The whole family was there except for 6 or 7, so it was a massive turnout. Better yet, we were all there for each other too. You couldn't ask for a better send off. It was a celebration of Nana's life, and made each and everyone of us remember just how much we loved her and why. She was such an amazing person. Still is.
Plus. the Mann Clan would never let an opputunity for a party and a reunion slip by. We had so much fun together, though each of us had our moments.
Ainsley is huge now, almost two, and talking! Doesn't shut up really. I love her so much.
I'm pretty fuchked up at the moment though. I broke up with Glen today. I made him cry. I fuckin hate myself right now for what I did to that guy. You couldn't ask for a better boyfriend or person and I fucked him over.
I dunno, I think part of me hopes if I beat myself up enough it'll allay the guilt and compensate for what I did. Naive and idiotic I know.
Aidan has stepped back on the scene as well, though after all this with Glen I'm not going to let myself be moved by him. Yeah there's still feeling there, but I'm finally mature enough to realise if I act on that now, its only going to be pain later on.
I'm staying well and truly single for a long time I think.
I'm a bit of an emotional mess, full o lots of disappointment and a sense of destiny slipped by and lost forever.
Wasted life anyone?
No, thats just dramatic, I'll get over myself one day. I'm going to paint and reas and write these holidays. I'm going to train the hardest I ever have, I'm going to take my portfolio to at least for agencies, and I'm going to go to the beach at least twice before the year is up.
I hate people who get on a high horse concerning morals and freedoms. But most of all I hate existentialists more. Get over it. You can mope around and believe we are all dust and dirt, moving through space to a point of nothingness... Its a free world after all (insert gelatinous sarcasm here) and its your life.
But gees, get on with it.
Marnie said something recently, and I don't know why, but it really got under my skin. Though I didn't say anything at the time. It was something along the lines of "I hate people who are good, who are nice. I just don't like them." She said it with an intensity I can't work with words here. It just really got me angry, or bitter, for some reason. I was thinking Why? Do they make you feel guilty because you can be a selfish bitch? Do you know you can never compete with them? Are you so insecure? why persecute someone for seeing life in a way you can't, for being better than you? For having the guts to actually BE a nice person in today's society? Yeah, I got no idea what my problem is. Naturally I think I was half angry at myself really and not Marnie. I don't know why.
Bah humbug.
Taekwondo is fantastic at the moment. I love it. I'm training so hard its the best thing in my life right now.
oh, and its my birthday soon! Woohoo, I get to join the ranks of old fogeys.
OH! and a little repressed side note of mine:
For all you yanks who voted for Bush, what were you thinking?!? The man is an absolute fucking moron whi has made your economic system completely FUBAR. My dog has more intelligence than that twit.
Bah
Yeah, I'm in a right fine mood tonight. Sick as a dog too.
Well, welcome back eh.
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[26 Sep 2004|01:58pm] |
To all who come here, for whatever reason you seek to read this, you will find nothing but abstract thoughts and random tinklings.
This is friends only I am afraid, unless I know you, well, what do you seek here?
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bluemythril's journal